I take it you’ve heard of Mister Jack, then? UK ska, surely, London’s finest? What? Baby let it flow, I’m Mister Jack Le Beau? No? Come onnnn!!! Well you’re obviously not signed up for updates on the mailing list right this way to your left . . . and I’d doubt you’ve copped the official Mister Jack YouTube either, have you now? Oi, get it sorted! New single “Ain’t Gonna Letchu Go” is out now innit?!
It’s all go here at Mister Jack HQ no doubt about it, the media empire of Mister Jack is in full march. I haven’t actually seen Mister Jack since he said something about some posh bird Stephanie with a yacht or something but I outlaid out concept sketches in a most thorough way for the Jack Fu full length action feature debut movie trilogy – I swear, this guy Phillip Eno now I know why he’s the best. He’s the consummated genius.
Of course those idiots over at the record label were calling old Brownie up going on about some video for christmas or what not, blah blah blah, whatever, I says “Look mate, it’s like this, right – Hollywould, or Holly wouldn’t? – the choice is yours. London, Paris, Tokyo . . . or Tokyno?”
Am I right? They must think I was born yesterday.
Blithering on about how I’m going to afford this “nonsense”, Nonsense? I’ll show them nonsense, old Brownie’s got it all figured out. Don’t worry. You see I managed to connect the dots, and the picture was a pretty princess riding a pony. But when I’d finished with that and then put 2 and 2 together I realised it was about time for my round.
Just don’t bloody worry, Brownie’s got a plan. And I like “Dancing Bear” in the 7th, it’s just a feeling, and when Brownie’s got a feeling – oh what a feeling!
Now the story of Jack Fu is the tale of Rudeboys in ancient feudal China who develop a dazzling and stunning form of lethal offbeat hand to hand combat. Well Wicked. With like, mohawk punk rockers doing spinning kicks in the air and all and like y’know, princesses, Tigers, an evil geezer with like long fingernails and a nasty laugh to him.
Maybe like the Mister Jack band is involved in a dreadful radioactive experiment and end going back in time. And they can fly. And transform into guitars and all that. But yeah, weren’t sure of Ska Fu or Jack Fu. But we have had a few bothers about the place as you do running a burgeoning media empire as we do here at Mister Jack Media Industries Incorporated, namely . . . Lady Skaga.
Does anyone know this crazy gal? She’s mental!
She rings us up like “Is this Mister Jack?”
I recorded the conversation you see, We have to record in case we receive any suspicious phone calls pertaining to top secret activity that is pertaining to being none of your business.
And I’m Like “No, it’s Brownie innit? What ya want?”
And she’s like “Do you realise you’re talking to Lady Skaga?”
“Lady Skaga. I performed my debut smash hit number 1 single “Just Skank” and the follow up “Poke Her Face.”
“You’ve got to be joking. The crazy tart what sang down the Crown with a bloody fish bowl on her head?”
“It’s art like, innit? Where’s Mister Jack anyway I wan’t to talk about collaborating on a upcoming project.”
“Do you realise that was my mate Spakker’s fish bowl?”
“Yeah, he said I could have it didnt he?”
“And you forgot the fish was still in it? Spakker loved that fish, I tell ya. He calleded it Strummer and all.”
“Look you old fart, It’s about expression of higher artistic concepts then what you could ever get through ya thick lug, I’m Lady Skaga and I’m gonna be collaborating with Mister Jack, right, he told me, so bloody hop it and put Jack on.”
“Sorry, can’t help ya love.”
And that was that, hung up on her, didn’t I. Bloody Nora, gal’s got a screw loose upstairs, but fortunately given my extensive professional experience in my role as one South east london’s top ska triangle players I was able to negotiate the situation with grace and finesse.
Lady Skaga. Couldn’t make this stuff up. What next? A Mister Jack cooking show?